For the word of God is living and active,sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and or marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. Hebrews 4:12
One word… Powerful! I’ve suffered with depression and anxiety since I was 16, and throughout the years the number of my “crises” have decreased. So far this year I’ve had 3. Yesterday I had an episode or a “crisis” as I like to call them. I was speaking to my mother over the phone and she asked me what I was doing and I told her trying to get my life together. When she asked me what I meant by that it all came spilling out like a flipped over cup. Lately I’ve been struggling with my current life situation and not being content with where I am in life. I feel like I should be doing more, seeing more, making more basically I want more, I want more (see funny AT&T commercial). And the most frustrating part is not knowing what I want more of. I’ve been praying and fasting and seeking God for vision and purpose with silence as my answer.
I hung up with my mother and immediately went into prayer, which wasnt prayer at all. It was more venting and complaining than anything. I’ve been watching people around me be blessed and I’ve been so excited for them. But that excitement turned into resentment and envy. I have four friends graduating with Master degrees in May and now I’m comparing myself (mind you I have two bachelors) . One of my best friends shared with me her revelation from God and I’m like ok God when is it my turn? Friend got a raise and now I don’t make enough money.
Ten seconds after I started my rant I recognized it for what it was or should I say who it was. The anger, envy, self-loathing and comparisons didn’t come from me but from the enemy. “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy” John 10:10. And let me tell you he has been attacking me since the beginning of the year. He’s tried to steal my hope, tried to kill me with car accidents and he wants to destroy my peace of mind. How do I know? I felt it. But I can’t fight physically with something I can’t see, I had to meet him where he was and fight in the spirit.
For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the world powers of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavens. Ephesians 6:12
Immediately I began to pray scripture because that’s the only sure-fire way I knew to knock the enemy on his behind. I had to remind him that I am the head and not the tail (Deuteronomy 28:13) and that he was already defeated (Colossians 2:15). When thoughts of hopelessness came Jeremiah 29:11 poured from my mouth. Did he stop? No he told me I was alone and not loved, I knew it was a lie because God’s word said He would never leave me or forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:8), that He loved me before I was a thought in my mother’s head (Jeremiah 1:5 ). When the enemy told me I was ugly God said I was fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalms 139:14) and created in His image (Genesis 1:27). And when I ran out of words to say all I could do was praise God and thank Him for His truth and His word. Praise Him for being God for being my Jehovah-Jireh(provider), Jehovah-Shalom(prince of peace) Jehovah-Nissi(banner). I said a lot more but when I ran out of words to say the Holy Spirit said it for me.
Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.” Romans 8:26.
I don’t know how long I was in my closet but that’s where my roommate who is also one of my best friends found me. I know I freaked her (sorry Mel) but I also knew she understood. And when it was all said and done I felt a release, I felt so light that I became dizzy and had to lay on the bed for a hot minute.
So I say all this to say as christians there will be times when we are tested but we have to be aware of where these test come from. We can’t be blind to the forces of evil. The bible says to resist the devil and he will flee (James 4:7) that means stand firm, oppose him or to resist temptation. He will flee because he knows he cannot win if we are prepared to fight against him. Put on the whole armor of God (Ephesians 6:13) and know your word. I’m not an expert, theologian or pastor. I’m just a girl whose experienced Gods power. It’s not me and I will not take any of the credit. ALL Glory Be To God!