There was a time when I was in the dark. And I don’t mean unsaved darkness, what I’m referring to is the darkness when you don’t “feel” God no where around you but you know He’s there. Kind of like those weird rain showers where if you move a couple of feet the rain vanishes. I had been in this place where I knew light existed but all I saw was darkness. I prayed but received no answers, read my bible with no revelations, went to church but felt no praise. I remember begging God to just acknowledge me and I didn’t get that. I “felt” no love coming from Him. I hated it!! I felt like David in his prayer to God in Psalms:
My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me? O My God, I cry in the daytime, but You do not hear; And in the night season, and am not silent. But You are holy, Enthroned in the praises of Israel. Our fathers trusted in You; They trusted, and You delivered them. They cried to You, and were delivered; They trusted in You, and were not ashamed. But I am a worm, and no man; A reproach of men, and despised by the people. All those who see Me ridicule Me; They shoot out the lip, they shake the head, saying, He trusted in the Lord, let Him rescue Him; Let Him deliver Him, since He delights in Him! But You are He who took Me out of the womb; You made Me trust while on My mothers breasts. I was cast upon You from birth. From My mothers womb You have been My God. Be not far from Me, For trouble is near; For there is none to help. (Psalm 22:1-11 NKJV)
I didn’t share my feelings with anyone because I didn’t think they would understand. It was as if their joy and peace mocked me. I wanted what they had, I was so desperate that I became envious and that envy turned into shame. I wanted to know what wrong I had done to make God not want me. Oh how foolish I WAS.
In Matthew 11 John the Baptist went through something similar to what King David, myself and thousands of people went through. He was sitting prison waiting… Maybe he thought being Jesus’ cousin He would just break him out of prison (I would’ve thought that). But Jesus didn’t do that and while John was waiting he allowed doubt to creep in. ” John said to him, “Are you the one who is to come, or shall we look for another?” (Matthew 11:3 ESV) Now funny thing is John heard about all the things Jesus was doing yet he still asked. Response to John: And Jesus answered, “Go and tell John what you hear and see: the blind receive their sight and the lame walk, lepers are cleansed and the deaf hear, and the dead are raised up, and the poor have good news preached to them. And blessed is the one who is not offended by me.” (Matthew 11:2-6 ESV)
And blessed is the one who is not offended by me !!! What does Jesus mean by this? I think he means that there will be times we are waiting on him. Times when we are desperately seeking him for answers or just need a little love and attention and he has other plans. So while we are waiting for Him he doesn’t want us to grow weary (although I have a “feeling” that he knows we panic). So even in the times when it doesn’t look like God gives a crap, even in the times when your alone, even when you don’t “feel” anything you are blessed!!! Dont lose hope, don’t forget your faith! We have to believe God when He says He would never leave nor forsake us. Believe in His faithfulness.
I think the only thing that kept me was knowing that light existed even though at the time I could not see it through all the darkness.